As a woman, I’ve heard my fair share of bad pick-up lines and awkward icebreakers.
The one that always makes me roll my eyes is the old-standby:
“So, what’s your favorite sexual position?”
I really do not know what men expect to get as an answer to this question, except that I think they do it for the shock value.
So the best response is a hard backhanded return.
I usually say, “I don’t know. Whatever position I am in right now.”
To which he usually says, “But… you’re not in a sexual position right now.”
To which I reply, “Yep. And I’m pretty sure that’s going to continue the rest of the night.”
Then there is just plain rude behavior that happens at bars.
I have a friend who has always had issues with her weight. Right now, I need to lose some weight, I won’t deny it. But back in the day… I used to be kinda, sorta hot.
I remember this one time we were at a bar near ASU campus in Tempe when some frat boys walked by our table, moo-ing and saying, “Who let the cows out?”
I turned to look at my friend, and caught her expression out of the corner of my eye.
She was devastated.
You insult me, that’s one thing. You insult my friends, then Goddess help you.
I stood up and yelled at them, “Hey! It’s not her fault her boyfriend’s cum has so many calories in it!”
One of the guys did a spit-take with his beer into another guy’s face. They all lost color and stammered. Then they pivoted away en masse, speed-walking like they had explosive diarrhea and they needed to find a bathroom before the shit hit their ankles.
I have two really proud moments of a hard backhanded return. That was one of them.
Since this is a reference to tennis, I should explain that the first event was in my Junior year of high school when the top athlete at the school (he was impressive: football, basketball, baseball… graduated from our piss-ant school to play for the Chicago Cubs) came a-swaggering to show us tennis dorks how to play the game.
I was the team captain, went to State that year in doubles, and I was not amused.
It didn’t help my mood that he was the boyfriend of the meanest girl I have/had ever met in my life, who hated me… who still hates me… except for about two months in 9th grade when she was my best friend. Which somehow made it even worse.
But I digress. Long story short, I whacked the tennis ball so hard into his chest that he lost his breath, dropped the racket, said a cuss word that I had NEVER heard another student use, and left the court never to return.
Word around town was that I left a bruise.
After that, I was a legend.
That isn’t to say that I have fumbled the ball (eeek! mixing my sports metaphors!) because I have. There is even an expression in French for when you finally think of a good comeback, and it is way too late. It’s called “wit of the staircase.”
So… where am I going with this…
If you haven’t noticed from my previous posts, I tend to back into a thesis. Or maybe a trampoline is a better comparison. Bounce, bounce, bounce, gist!
There are some really weird, and really impossible, sex positions out there.
Perhaps you might ask me, “Why do you know this?”
To which I will reply, “Market research.”
Jholi and Javier discuss sexual positions in Quarantine Level 4. But they are screwing around in a holodeck where maybe there is the possibility of digital help? Possibly.
WARNING: The rest of this post will have images that are MA, NC-17 and NSFW.
Some of the sites that I use for “research” (yeah, let’s go with that) are prone to malware. So I will use the original source of sex info for the modern gal about town: Cosmo.
The ones that are recommended for holidays are particularly entertaining.
The following one is called The Cave Crave, but honestly looks like London Bridge to me.
A more important question: why is she orange?
The next one is called the Broomstick Ride but I would call it Reverse Cowgirl with some amazing suction. Remember to do your Kegels, ladies!
And again, if your sexual partner turns orange mid-coitus and you are fairly sure that he is not at least part Oompa Loompa, call 911 immediately.
This one is called the Trick Oral Treat, and other than what appears to be either the Soldier or Sex Slave blowjob position (FYI: there are 21 blowjob positions… access this site with caution, with an active antivirus program installed), read what it says in the link below and you will never look at Red Hots the same way.
I thoroughly recommend reading the entire webpage because it has so many categories.
At the end of it all, do I have a favorite sexual position? No. I would like a favorite sexual partner, please Mr. Easter Bunny, but after that… too much planning ruins the thing.
And unless you have already woo-ed and won me, let me pick the time and place, then fucked me until I can’t feel my legs (in a good way), and now we are having pillow talk and you are saying nice things to me and playing with my hair and touching my face and stroking my shoulder because—clearly—we are both thinking about fucking again… then maybe you should skip the question all together.
Just a thought.